http://xenotica.buzznet.com/user/journal/ en-us http://xenotica.buzznet.com/user/journal/131388/admitting-something-scary/
]]> breakdown girls help hip hop hot mental rap sexy swollen member videos Buzznet xenotica 2007-03-08T22:08:00Z http://xenotica.buzznet.com/user/journal/64359/remember-why/
Well I got to thinking a bit. Headache now. It happens when you get older. I started to briefly remember how it was when I was hitting the teen angst years. It is just too crappy to me to want to remember thoes years. I hated every minute of Jr and Sr High. I would dare to say it was the worst experience of my life. So why the hell should I want to remember it? Well I guess it makes me feel better to know I came out of it all alive. I am happily married and live pretty much the way I want. I have many friends and so forth and so on. It's all good now mostly.

But still, do I really need to remember that crap that makes me so upset. I can run through every empotion humanly possible in less than 5 minutes when I mentally dive in to the past. Sometimes it affects me for hours when I think about certain things. And to be honest I know plenty of people have had it worse, much worse. That makes me even more upset. I't like a fire that won't go out no matter how much water you throw at it.

I think in remembering how things were I can be more sympathetic to kids today. They certsainly have a shitload of worldly crsap to sift through. I would NOT choose to do it again. I do try to use it to help me rise above the waste. To propell my life somewhere better. And I guess it has worked so far. I am a better person. I am stronger and I do go on. Proudly I have conqured my past, although it still lurks deep in my mind, surpressed as deep as I can push it, still tinkering with my emotions and my personallity. It does define you in many ways. But it does not dictate who you are or who you can be.

Until for some fucked up reason, I need to think about it again.  And then we (me, myself and I) just kill the beast again and bury it for another day. I still have not figure out WHY I have to remember some of that crap. How about more happy thoughts. That would be nice. I think I will work on some of thoes right now.
]]> Buzznet xenotica 2006-10-20T14:08:00Z http://xenotica.buzznet.com/user/journal/59392/oh-well-isnt-nice/
You see money really isn't everything. Oh don't get me wrong about this. IF someone were to give me a ton of money to do what I want, I certainly would not deny them .... hint,hint,hint. True it is a means to an end. But to what end. I got stuff in storage I have never used. Cloths I never wear and neck, shoulder and wrist problems (WoW has nothing to do with it either :-/) from sitting in front of the stupid computer all day long for many modestly greatfull corporations.  I am greatfull to thoes corporations for giving me a job, but not how it affects people like myself. And I know more than a few that wish for something better.

Well damnit I am going to do something about it. Walk the walk and all that jive. By the end of this year I truely hope I can start working as a Captain for hire on the high seas. (Look out Cpt. Ron) I know some people which will help and I really love being on the water. Hell, I live on a sailboat I better, right! LOL. To be honest I am scared about dropping my career of 15+ years for something radically different. But you know sometimes you have to do it. What is it? It is that something you are affraid to do because it might be hard. Or you might even fail. If you don't try you will never know and you will never live a full life. (Not preaching, just say'n).

And to top it all off I am going to seriously look at getting back into what I LOVE as an artistic outlet. Ceramics. Yup I got a BFA in Ceramics. I even studied with and under some famous folks in the field. (How I got into programming is more than 6 degrees of seperation and another story.) I was pretty darn good too. I love working with my hands. Clay is the ultimate mix of senuallity and artisitc media. Also later this year I will be looking for someone I can share a ceramics stiudio with. Note to self: Potters wheel and cone 10 kiln won't fit on boat.

Well I guess that does it for now. I have alot to contemplate. New career. New life, new whatever. I am a man of change. To all you folks out there also wanting change or planning change in your life... Just do it. You will regret it if you don't. Happy minds make happy lives. I wish you all the best.
]]> careers change happiness. Buzznet xenotica 2006-10-02T15:02:00Z http://xenotica.buzznet.com/user/journal/46956/woke-up-one-day-omg/
I woke up one day this year and realized I really am 40 something. OMG, Oh shit. WTF, ROFnotL. How did this happen? I'm still trying to figure this one out. See not long ago, last year I think,  I was WAY younger, like in my 20s. I remember stuff like it was yesterday. Example, I ran out of a typically decorated late 60's, gold carpeted day care room just past the entrance of the Bowling alley where my mom was busy doing the league thing. Yeah that was popular for the less "experienced", non-hipsters of the time. I was running to find momma. I had nothing against the very large black woman taking care of all the wee little chirren in the smallish white walled day care. I just wanted to be with mom. A child only a couple months past his first steps is like that. So off I went, much to the surprise of everyone. Mom was sort of happy to see me. Ugly red and gray bowling shoes and all. I still see it like it just happened sometimes. My mom barely remembers when I describe it, but I was less than 2 years old.

Flash forward a few years, not many by my current reckoning, I'm sitting in the dorm room with my new and equally goofy collage roommate when he springs a doob on me. Woot! John just came out of his shell. After a night of coughing and laughing at the stupidest shit, the world changed. Jimmy Hedrix was so much more in touch than most people realize.  Oh and that is a big yes. I did inhale. Deeply and often for the next... well let me think about this for a bit. 3 + 4, then there was that time inn and oh.. don't forget... 5+/- years. There is a whole nother journal entry just bursti'n to come out about that part of my life. At lease the 2 years I remember of it.

So as  I was saying, I was just like in my 20s. I got married to the hottest, and most wonderful woman in the world. Celeste (aka Celestial, aka Celesticals, aka sweet bottoms ... lol). We bought a boat, moved on. Moved off, went in to advertising, almost got divorced, moved to ..., moved too, then moved to the Philippines, scuba diving, wild as diseases, came home, got fed up, moved to California, chilled, turned into a closet hippy (My nickname really is  "The Dude") , worked, worked, worked, almost dies from kidney failure, moved on to another boat, went nowhere yet.... and here we are. My little brother headphonic constantly dissing me... "Hay Grandpa". And dad finally retiring. I have gass all the time, a little programmers belly and I swear like a sailor.

O   M   F   G.  I'm fucking 40.x years old. --- crrtl+z, crrtl+z, crrtl+z, crrtl+z, crrtl+z... Fuck! That doesn't seem to work.

Fuck.]]> happiness life love middle age self awareness turning 40 Buzznet xenotica 2006-08-22T21:20:00Z